The first thing Sam Pascoe remembers writing was a poem about a dragon that put corks on his claws because they were too sharp. He was 7 years old, it didn't rhyme, and he spelt lacerated wrongly. Inexplicably, however, it won an award, kick-starting a lifelong love of creative writing and an unfortunate thirst for accolades and power.

Since then, he's honed his abilities writing scripts, headlines (and the odd naughty limerick on Tinder) in New Zealand, Australia and the UK. He's worked on big accounts like Waitrose, McDonald's, Subway and Skoda, and smaller ones too. He's even picked up the occasional award along the way.

This was written in third-person in an attempt to sound more professional than he is.